Maybe don't read this on NYE.

Sometimes, as much as you might like to ignore it, you stop and think about your reality and realize that it's not what you want it to be. Whether it's external things you want to change, or things inside yourself. Don't get me wrong, I know I've got a great life, and a lot to be happy about. But I'm not perfect, my life's not perfect, and there's a lot to work on.

I don't think many people can look themselves in the mirror and say they're truly happy with the person they see in the reflection. I think having things to work on is part of being, you know, human. But sometimes the striving to work on your own demons stalls, and it's easy to end up in a rut. Or, in my case, a ditch. A deep one.

I'm a bit shy about sharing details of my life on the internet - so I generally don't. I tend to opt for humour - mostly sarcastic. I guess you could call it deflection. But I think that maybe writing about it will help. Maybe. So here goes.

I've never been what you'd call a "happy" person. I worry a LOT, and I get nervous when things are going well. I had a rough childhood (well, let's face it, who didn't?) and it's left me with a lot of scars. Mainly due to my relationship with my mother.

Over the  years, I've come to realize that my mother has issues. Not just the vague "we all have issues" kind, but the kind that are actually pretty serious. The kind that in a different place, with different people around, might have been a diagnosed psychological disorder.

Growing up, it was just me and her most of the time. My parents immigrated from the UK right before I was born, so there was no family. And though my parents were still together, my dad spend most of the week in the city, working long hours, and weekends he pretty much just wanted to be left alone. So, mostly just me and her.

My mother had a temper. She would frequently blow up at me, throw things, hurt herself. It was terrifying, and even more so because there was no one I could talk to about it; no one to step in between her and I when she wasn't even recognizable as herself. Just me. I spent most of my childhood afraid, walking on eggshells trying not to set her off.

It took years for me to understand that this wasn't normal. I mean, I wasn't stupid. I knew other kids' parents weren't like that. But it took a long time to realize that it wasn't a small thing. That it was abusive, and that she permanently damaged me - even though she didn't mean to.

I guess the biggest holdover, and I'm actually not even sure if this is totally because of how I grew up or just hard-wired into my DNA, is that normal to me is several notches below happy. If you think of happiness as a spectrum with abject despair and depression on one end and delirious happiness on the other, I figure most people's "normal" wavers somewhere around the middle. If they're lucky and have good chemistry, maybe even a bit closer to happy. For me, it's on the unhappy side of the scale. Which means that when I'm happy, I actually feel a bit uncomfortable, because to me that's an abberation. So being slightly depressed, as unpleasant as that is, is actually more comfortable for me. If I'm happy, I'm pretty much just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I've been working on this for years - learning not to cause problems just because that way I can stop waiting for them to happen, feeling like the longer I'm happy for the worse it's gonna be when things go to shit again, believing that the good things in my life I actually deserve... None of this is easy for me. I'm learning. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to stop thinking myself into the darkness. And I'm learning to focus on what is instead of the bad things that might be. I'm learning to fight instead of give up. But all this has led me to a lot of unhealthy habits, a lot of things I need to work on and change.

I don't know if it's because it's new year's eve, or if this has just been building for awhile, but I'm hoping the need for change will actually become change this year. I'm hoping I'll take more steps in the right direction. Get better at taking care of myself, and turn this house into a home. I'm hoping I can learn to let go of the past, just that little bit more, and bring normal a little closer to happiness. I'm hoping I can breathe properly again.

It's been awhile.